i want to live but i also want to thrive!!! im going to start making choices in favor of that! starting with never eating severely undercooked brownies again oml. anything undercooked that isnt supposed to be? i dont care if its nicer to other people im not eating that shit. if it wasnt obviosu i am having Troubles. i also have a newfound appreciation for femtanyl's music this shit rocks when youre. well. yknow.
also got into the edge of sleep trend you should wartch it i promise. also got into bluesky ill probably never rlly touch that site again lmao. ill try to get in today & post fanart there but no promises
went to target right b4 closing- was fun. also i really want a levitating moon lamp, so cool so pretty so shiny my crow brain must have it.
i do wish i got more done though- i understand theres a reason i didnt but yknow
....did you know that chilchuck's english voice actor used to fandub karkat? i watched one and.... it sounds exactly like chi-chi-chilchuck (chia pets jingle but its chilchuck)
also whats that mouthwashing game. whats pressure. whats phighting. whats a hawk tuah. i am out of the lööp.

 feeling well rested no more migraine. my pokeball is lost idk where exactly it is. fell into social media, but honestly? object heads & tpoh art is absolutely worth it. reached out to my counsellor, hopefully they can help. fingers crossed.
a flip really was switched like 5 days ago huh?
how is my boundaries both rigid and porous???? also how the fuck do you do anything healthily- like boundaries and shit???
went places today. dad called mom & it heightened the hell out of my anxiety. traffic was traffic. we got lost, found a route to spirit, aaand waited 20 minutes so my mom could get off her little game of thrones game
im thinking ill do a specific steampunk dress. going through a gender crisis because i want to define who i am away from codependency, so i might as well see if effeminate is more my taste. like not mainstream effeminate- i was never really a mainstream person- but like goth or emo or scenecore or steampunk or egirl or i could also try dresses idc. ok i guess egirl is more mainstream & i probably wont find clothes in my size but yknow..
stayed up too long & very tired. got a new friend on simplyplural- likely a bad idea but yknow whatever. allergies r bad- honestly i probably have a chocolate/nut allergy but its so addictive.. 

-------16
been ruminating on how abusive great grandfather was to my grandma. im trying to break out of that, if she starts talking about her abuse again, im going to lay down a boundary. she needs to take it up to someone around her age, a support group or a therapist. not me, not my mom. currently trying out an anxiety book & listening to new breakcore. also had a bit of a nightmare before i woke up, im uneasy about living here, in this house, and in florida. im trying not to give in and get chocolate milk but the taste & dopamine is so seductive when i have so much cortisol. -a-anyways ive heard before that venting about goals makes you not want to do it because it gives you dopamime before its finished or something along those lines. and im thinking about like- what if i tried to do that but with whatever my anxiety is forcing me to ruminate about?? or i guess distracting myself like this IS working compared to cheap games/videos. the neighbors house is being worked on and i just heard a loud noise- i hope nothing happened
i need to turn on the lizard's heat lights tonight. when i get up next.
trying to consciously consume content (i should be making content instead but yknow)
ive been awake for 12 hours and what the hell have i been doing. made brownies sure, but all i did was watch tv, watch youtube, play yt games and scroll tumblr. im on the last fucking week of school and im very behind where i want to be. why??? why does this keep happening???? why am i so blind to time????? how do i get out of this??
..ive been tired the last four hours. im going to sleep. i hope i get enough energy to actually do my homework tomorrow & i hope i create the discipline to write my essay.

 woke up. had a daydream before i slept where i got tumblr asks how my dream blog was going. i didnt make the dream blog but i guess im obligated to now. btw im not rlly in control of my daydreams, too much effort & too boring.
i realize how odd it is to have a diary in the public- but i guess i dont think anyone will actually see it? or that someone will start a conversation or give me a different perspective about a specific thing in it? its not like this account can really be tied to my normal accounts- other than in my interests... of which i dont lay out in my normal accounts in the first place.
uploaded so many images to toyhoyse.... a whole 56 of them.
reddit is pretty decent to use as a casual resource. not great 4 socializing but thats socmed for ya. not that i really want to make friends at all on there...
curled on the couch rn in an uncomfortable pain uggghhgh. necessary evil while i have a weak core
gnarpy....
got like. super clear a couple of hours before i slept. like we weren't really blurred. whispered out loud a fuck ton before we realised that mom was on the couch and im not sure if she could hear us. i hope the fuck not. was very hard to get me to go to sleep im not sure why the last few days ive been wired.

 SEEMS to be minimal damage, but i only looked at the outside cameras. im thinking about casing the house later today & dragging someone with me.
my bpm seems to be a bit confused today. or at least i with it. fell into gaming habit early today but im hoping for recovery. after i do my essay, ill see about playing this pressure game on roblox.
i feel like im burning up. probably just allergies but yknow my anxieties gotta make me worry.
ive been realising things ive already known about myself/my surroundings but repressed. i guess it is fitting that i have my old friends again willing to be in contact with me. i hate being a bird in a cage.
...i guess i do age regress. not in the romanticized or sexualized fashion, but in a legit disabling way. i feel like an injured feral dog huddling in the corner. i dont know who i am in those moments. and it hurts so badly to disassociate in that way.
once in a lifetime gives me great nostalgia for the early-ish web.
my emotions are particularly unstable today. i cant live like this, but im not sure another way of living anymore. im trapped but im picking at the hinges ignoring the lock.
one thin branch snapped off & theres a bit of a mess but its not that bad.

 the others decided to hurricane prep. they went out and bought back some good food. they emptied out the garage and now the truck is in the garage for the first time!!! unbeknownst to them i can now use it as a hiding spot ehehe.
having cramps. sucks bad.
mom encroached on my privacy (with my physical journal brain dump) and i
helped with moving plants. fell back into my gaming habit hard.

apparently most people cant lie and do something at the same time.
i talked with my mom for a couple hours and honestly it made me dizzy
wayy too long man. im going to rest, shower, then open pokemon cards. thinking about doing the password book if i dont do homework or my laptop.
i really really want to scroll and im trying not to give in. horrid.
did something i shouldnt have today.
unable to find meaning in what im doing today.
had a panic attack that got up to 97 bpm according to my fitbit. then dove right back to 65bpm like nothing happened. ive been super brain foggy today, damn my anxiety & amnesia barriers. tbh i can feel another one coming on. im stressed about moving, friends and homework & it all feels like its crashing down on me. at some point ill reach out to my mom-im not mentioning the friends part. shes not great with friends. no one in this damn family is.
also i tried doing a screentime report and apparently i have 55 hrs on youtube this week. no wonder im burnt out on yt if im doing this constantly.
... i need to disconnect (on my terms) from the internet & from sorting. just for a small bit. im not sure what ill do about the homework situation but taking a step back to clear my head and reassess my priorities and habits is more important.
...yeah thats gonna be what i do tomorrow. take some paper to a pencil yknow full manual for a bit

 woke up to the sound of my cat puking <3
...eventually ill get to homework, my anxiety just shuts me down and wont allow me to work if theres people moving around the house. no room is safe. except the car, like honestly im thinking about moving there.
made a sound halfway between a cat and a human saying yeah. everyday i feel more like im turning into a feral animal, and not in a silly way, but more like im not functioning like a real human does way. isolation does that ig.
didnt do much this day. definitely ate too much sugar. also no homework but i am starting to take my pinterest seriously + i drew an piece of fashion, which is different for me.
its starting to sink in that i have my old friends back now. (...i regret not interacting with the active ones at all. but then again i also needed to be alone.)

 i thought i posted this before i slept... im not sure about using tags? like i dont want to clutter the diary/journal tags
im afraid to take the steps needed because in the past its hurt. but those steps dont cause hurt, the pain will follow regardless, at least until i learn to live in spite of it. (paraphrased from a jeremyjankle video but it applies to me too)
im also getting to a point that id rather just clear out tabs/other active digital items rather than ones that dont affect me right then and there. bookmarks? photos? i can ignore them. but then it also takes up space..
i need to make a playlist for videos in queue i want to hold onto. or helpful videos. (btw i did this right after typing it)
cat brought in a frog. it yelled at her and scared all of us. i dont think she ever knew that frogs make sound before this.
using pomodoro techniques for homework. currently working. i think i needed outside positive encouragement from a real person. hopefully i can keep the momentum. (im going to fucking try!!!)
productive day; ended before i really wanted it to, but im on my body's natural wind down now. btw its way too cold, my nose & fingers are chilly (well, until this heat flash existed at least. i hate heat flashes. dont know why im getting them, its not like im that old) tomorrow ill see about seeing a thin cloth mask & my fingerless gloves. i need to set up my computer once i move so i can use regular gloves.

 yesterday the conversation fizzled out & idk how to restart it today. if i even should. i feel a bit bad because he seemed excited about reconnecting & im... indifferent and anxiety filled. i guess at least i probably wont have to worry about being found as much, not that im just gonna forsake every practice ive been doing. anywayssss. i made a new a account on a service im hoping be helpful (being vague here), needs a bit of time & tweaking though. went to costco for tire change, turns out there was a major verizon outage so realizing that was fun. they messed up the food court froyo but its fine, soft serve is soft serve. (its something about air balance & too much mixture?) have a tension headache & depleted social battery. mom just wont stop rambling about her game like dude you know im not ok rn and need space. 
anyways its only halfway in the day so i might edit this later. i would apologize for rambling but its my daily journal *shrug*
taking a nap now

edit: its now after my "nap" and i ended up on project sekai again and as soon as i got to my *first full combo*, the servers went down for maintenance D:

hi! this is my first journal here, i just joined! i dont really have much going on right now (just a tension headache) but i think ill end up using this as like a diary or journal of some kind.