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Diary #15 + 16
feeling well rested no more migraine. my pokeball is lost idk where exactly it is. fell into social media, but honestly? object heads & tpoh art is absolutely worth it. reached out to my counsellor, hopefully they can help. fingers crossed.
a flip really was switched like 5 days ago huh?
how is my boundaries both rigid and porous???? also how the fuck do you do anything healthily- like boundaries and shit???
went places today. dad called mom & it heightened the hell out of my anxiety. traffic was traffic. we got lost, found a route to spirit, aaand waited 20 minutes so my mom could get off her little game of thrones game
im thinking ill do a specific steampunk dress. going through a gender crisis because i want to define who i am away from codependency, so i might as well see if effeminate is more my taste. like not mainstream effeminate- i was never really a mainstream person- but like goth or emo or scenecore or steampunk or egirl or i could also try dresses idc. ok i guess egirl is more mainstream & i probably wont find clothes in my size but yknow..
stayed up too long & very tired. got a new friend on simplyplural- likely a bad idea but yknow whatever. allergies r bad- honestly i probably have a chocolate/nut allergy but its so addictive..
-------16
been ruminating on how abusive great grandfather was to my grandma. im trying to break out of that, if she starts talking about her abuse again, im going to lay down a boundary. she needs to take it up to someone around her age, a support group or a therapist. not me, not my mom. currently trying out an anxiety book & listening to new breakcore. also had a bit of a nightmare before i woke up, im uneasy about living here, in this house, and in florida. im trying not to give in and get chocolate milk but the taste & dopamine is so seductive when i have so much cortisol. -a-anyways ive heard before that venting about goals makes you not want to do it because it gives you dopamime before its finished or something along those lines. and im thinking about like- what if i tried to do that but with whatever my anxiety is forcing me to ruminate about?? or i guess distracting myself like this IS working compared to cheap games/videos. the neighbors house is being worked on and i just heard a loud noise- i hope nothing happened
i need to turn on the lizard's heat lights tonight. when i get up next.
trying to consciously consume content (i should be making content instead but yknow)
ive been awake for 12 hours and what the hell have i been doing. made brownies sure, but all i did was watch tv, watch youtube, play yt games and scroll tumblr. im on the last fucking week of school and im very behind where i want to be. why??? why does this keep happening???? why am i so blind to time????? how do i get out of this??
..ive been tired the last four hours. im going to sleep. i hope i get enough energy to actually do my homework tomorrow & i hope i create the discipline to write my essay.
a flip really was switched like 5 days ago huh?
how is my boundaries both rigid and porous???? also how the fuck do you do anything healthily- like boundaries and shit???
went places today. dad called mom & it heightened the hell out of my anxiety. traffic was traffic. we got lost, found a route to spirit, aaand waited 20 minutes so my mom could get off her little game of thrones game
im thinking ill do a specific steampunk dress. going through a gender crisis because i want to define who i am away from codependency, so i might as well see if effeminate is more my taste. like not mainstream effeminate- i was never really a mainstream person- but like goth or emo or scenecore or steampunk or egirl or i could also try dresses idc. ok i guess egirl is more mainstream & i probably wont find clothes in my size but yknow..
stayed up too long & very tired. got a new friend on simplyplural- likely a bad idea but yknow whatever. allergies r bad- honestly i probably have a chocolate/nut allergy but its so addictive..
-------16
been ruminating on how abusive great grandfather was to my grandma. im trying to break out of that, if she starts talking about her abuse again, im going to lay down a boundary. she needs to take it up to someone around her age, a support group or a therapist. not me, not my mom. currently trying out an anxiety book & listening to new breakcore. also had a bit of a nightmare before i woke up, im uneasy about living here, in this house, and in florida. im trying not to give in and get chocolate milk but the taste & dopamine is so seductive when i have so much cortisol. -a-anyways ive heard before that venting about goals makes you not want to do it because it gives you dopamime before its finished or something along those lines. and im thinking about like- what if i tried to do that but with whatever my anxiety is forcing me to ruminate about?? or i guess distracting myself like this IS working compared to cheap games/videos. the neighbors house is being worked on and i just heard a loud noise- i hope nothing happened
i need to turn on the lizard's heat lights tonight. when i get up next.
trying to consciously consume content (i should be making content instead but yknow)
ive been awake for 12 hours and what the hell have i been doing. made brownies sure, but all i did was watch tv, watch youtube, play yt games and scroll tumblr. im on the last fucking week of school and im very behind where i want to be. why??? why does this keep happening???? why am i so blind to time????? how do i get out of this??
..ive been tired the last four hours. im going to sleep. i hope i get enough energy to actually do my homework tomorrow & i hope i create the discipline to write my essay.