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Diary #13 + #14
woke up and immediately showered. realized that mom had JUST fallen asleep before i woke up. sigh. its fine though, im disappointed but im ok with being here for a bit
still clear for now although im starting to blend a bit, especially with longer use of this phone. i think i am. a bit loaded with endorphin. or maybe its oxytocin i think its oxytocin. man i really dont want to disassociate. i also dont want to do any of my projects but getting at least one done was the goal of today.
friend is/was telling me about their comic & they seem really excited. im not sure how to respond. im excited for them as well but idk i kinda just shutdown
fuck i forgot to set up my laptop. also procrastinating on doing homework. honestly i just want to be outside i hate being so damn virtuall all the fucking time. legit thinking about finding the halloween decorations and putting them up. although its probably in the attic now, and if they are... im not going into the attic to get it im sorry. i kinda want to find someone i could like bitch about being chronically onljne with. but 50/50 if it would inspire chaange or not. also i regret eating pizza right before bed because now im having acid reflux
i feel a bit alone in my brain rn. hm. also sorry lie is better at keeping this like grammatically correct and more coherent
went outside! :D went to walmart, target + sonic for quick trips. socially exhausted. supposed to go to petsmart and spirit tomorrow. at least to petsmart idrk if shell wake up in time. ate too much, it was pretty mid though
----------14
i forgot to record my dream & its gone forever. there was something about someone spam dming me a new link to the new group server but idrk
a video i watched said something about coming back to yt feels like finding that ur fav mall closed after moving from ur hometown and visiting it again. i think i should make a list of my favorite creators when i leave youtube. one day i may want to return but they may have deleted their channels by the time that i have returned.
...
the school called. im majorly going back into my shell & freezing up.. i cant bring myself to do. anything. i feel like i want to die but i know its just my avoidant depression talking. really i just want to be outside & not be online at all. im worried about getting sick & panic attacks, but if i had to take college and get into debt, id rather be in an environment that i do better in productively. i think my perfect college would be something where i could go physically but i can do the work either offline or online- and isnt a complete scam lmao. and is within 1 hour if you ride a bike/board
i think im gonna beg my mom for a scooter & try to train in the meantime. its not nearly as good as a bike or a skateboard- and maybe ill beg for a skateboard instead- but ill need it. i cant handle being late like that because im actually depending on someone EVER again. i dont even know how but its manifested as like trauma or some shit.
damn it i cant wait to get out of this house.
side note- not going to spirit today because my mom stayed up all night. im annoyed but its a pattern im used to bottling up my feelings about. yknow its like an exasperated ~whatever~. i know EVENTUALLY we will go. eventually.
i think i want to make a major character building "quest" list. like regularly going outside, being able to socialize, getting used to biking or boarding, etc. i can add side quests but the main quests stay the exact same because the goal is to help me get the essential skills im majorly missing out on, not goal post moving.
bro i just cried after seeing how close the nearest bus stop was. it was happy tears too. i think that says alot about my mental state rn (i could go places!!! im not trapped!!! just really fucking scared!!!)
ok so it goes down near the milk district. thats great actually. takes an hour to get there & its $4 roundtrip. ill be moving soon but just knowing that makes me feel better.
i got google one. i know its dumb but id rather have a large cloud than be constantly running out of space. especially for whatevers about to happen next. also a bit nice to be able to take a break on decluttering photos.
thinking about taking the books on wednesday if i havent already- ill walk with grandma. safety net but not comfortable yknow
ok i think my optimal fashion aesthetic is tboy swag & 2014 minecraft skins (also whatevers going on with modmad)
i like b & c# idk they sound desperate and broken and i like it
sleepy...
still clear for now although im starting to blend a bit, especially with longer use of this phone. i think i am. a bit loaded with endorphin. or maybe its oxytocin i think its oxytocin. man i really dont want to disassociate. i also dont want to do any of my projects but getting at least one done was the goal of today.
friend is/was telling me about their comic & they seem really excited. im not sure how to respond. im excited for them as well but idk i kinda just shutdown
fuck i forgot to set up my laptop. also procrastinating on doing homework. honestly i just want to be outside i hate being so damn virtuall all the fucking time. legit thinking about finding the halloween decorations and putting them up. although its probably in the attic now, and if they are... im not going into the attic to get it im sorry. i kinda want to find someone i could like bitch about being chronically onljne with. but 50/50 if it would inspire chaange or not. also i regret eating pizza right before bed because now im having acid reflux
i feel a bit alone in my brain rn. hm. also sorry lie is better at keeping this like grammatically correct and more coherent
went outside! :D went to walmart, target + sonic for quick trips. socially exhausted. supposed to go to petsmart and spirit tomorrow. at least to petsmart idrk if shell wake up in time. ate too much, it was pretty mid though
----------14
i forgot to record my dream & its gone forever. there was something about someone spam dming me a new link to the new group server but idrk
a video i watched said something about coming back to yt feels like finding that ur fav mall closed after moving from ur hometown and visiting it again. i think i should make a list of my favorite creators when i leave youtube. one day i may want to return but they may have deleted their channels by the time that i have returned.
...
the school called. im majorly going back into my shell & freezing up.. i cant bring myself to do. anything. i feel like i want to die but i know its just my avoidant depression talking. really i just want to be outside & not be online at all. im worried about getting sick & panic attacks, but if i had to take college and get into debt, id rather be in an environment that i do better in productively. i think my perfect college would be something where i could go physically but i can do the work either offline or online- and isnt a complete scam lmao. and is within 1 hour if you ride a bike/board
i think im gonna beg my mom for a scooter & try to train in the meantime. its not nearly as good as a bike or a skateboard- and maybe ill beg for a skateboard instead- but ill need it. i cant handle being late like that because im actually depending on someone EVER again. i dont even know how but its manifested as like trauma or some shit.
damn it i cant wait to get out of this house.
side note- not going to spirit today because my mom stayed up all night. im annoyed but its a pattern im used to bottling up my feelings about. yknow its like an exasperated ~whatever~. i know EVENTUALLY we will go. eventually.
i think i want to make a major character building "quest" list. like regularly going outside, being able to socialize, getting used to biking or boarding, etc. i can add side quests but the main quests stay the exact same because the goal is to help me get the essential skills im majorly missing out on, not goal post moving.
bro i just cried after seeing how close the nearest bus stop was. it was happy tears too. i think that says alot about my mental state rn (i could go places!!! im not trapped!!! just really fucking scared!!!)
ok so it goes down near the milk district. thats great actually. takes an hour to get there & its $4 roundtrip. ill be moving soon but just knowing that makes me feel better.
i got google one. i know its dumb but id rather have a large cloud than be constantly running out of space. especially for whatevers about to happen next. also a bit nice to be able to take a break on decluttering photos.
thinking about taking the books on wednesday if i havent already- ill walk with grandma. safety net but not comfortable yknow
ok i think my optimal fashion aesthetic is tboy swag & 2014 minecraft skins (also whatevers going on with modmad)
i like b & c# idk they sound desperate and broken and i like it
sleepy...