Diary #13 + #14

 woke up and immediately showered. realized that mom had JUST fallen asleep before i woke up. sigh. its fine though, im disappointed but im ok with being here for a bit
still clear for now although im starting to blend a bit, especially with longer use of this phone. i think i am. a bit loaded with endorphin. or maybe its oxytocin i think its oxytocin. man i really dont want to disassociate. i also dont want to do any of my projects but getting at least one done was the goal of today.
friend is/was telling me about their comic & they seem really excited. im not sure how to respond. im excited for them as well but idk i kinda just shutdown
fuck i forgot to set up my laptop. also procrastinating on doing homework. honestly i just want to be outside i hate being so damn virtuall all the fucking time. legit thinking about finding the halloween decorations and putting them up. although its probably in the attic now, and if they are... im not going into the attic to get it im sorry. i kinda want to find someone i could like bitch about being chronically onljne with. but 50/50 if it would inspire chaange or not. also i regret eating pizza right before bed because now im having acid reflux
i feel a bit alone in my brain rn. hm. also sorry lie is better at keeping this like grammatically correct and more coherent
went outside! :D went to walmart, target + sonic for quick trips. socially exhausted. supposed to go to petsmart and spirit tomorrow. at least to petsmart idrk if shell wake up in time. ate too much, it was pretty mid though

----------14
i forgot to record my dream & its gone forever. there was something about someone spam dming me a new link to the new group server but idrk
a video i watched said something about coming back to yt feels like finding that ur fav mall closed after moving from ur hometown and visiting it again. i think i should make a list of my favorite creators when i leave youtube. one day i may want to return but they may have deleted their channels by the time that i have returned.
...
the school called. im majorly going back into my shell & freezing up.. i cant bring myself to do. anything. i feel like i want to die but i know its just my avoidant depression talking. really i just want to be outside & not be online at all. im worried about getting sick & panic attacks, but if i had to take college and get into debt, id rather be in an environment that i do better in productively. i think my perfect college would be something where i could go physically but i can do the work either offline or online- and isnt a complete scam lmao. and is within 1 hour if you ride a bike/board
i think im gonna beg my mom for a scooter & try to train in the meantime. its not nearly as good as a bike or a skateboard- and maybe ill beg for a skateboard instead- but ill need it. i cant handle being late like that because im actually depending on someone EVER again. i dont even know how but its manifested as like trauma or some shit.
damn it i cant wait to get out of this house.
side note- not going to spirit today because my mom stayed up all night. im annoyed but its a pattern im used to bottling up my feelings about. yknow its like an exasperated ~whatever~. i know EVENTUALLY we will go. eventually.
i think i want to make a major character building "quest" list. like regularly going outside, being able to socialize, getting used to biking or boarding, etc. i can add side quests but the main quests stay the exact same because the goal is to help me get the essential skills im majorly missing out on, not goal post moving.
bro i just cried after seeing how close the nearest bus stop was. it was happy tears too. i think that says alot about my mental state rn (i could go places!!! im not trapped!!! just really fucking scared!!!)
ok so it goes down near the milk district. thats great actually. takes an hour to get there & its $4 roundtrip. ill be moving soon but just knowing that makes me feel better.
i got google one. i know its dumb but id rather have a large cloud than be constantly running out of space. especially for whatevers about to happen next. also a bit nice to be able to take a break on decluttering photos.
thinking about taking the books on wednesday if i havent already- ill walk with grandma. safety net but not comfortable yknow
ok i think my optimal fashion aesthetic is tboy swag & 2014 minecraft skins (also whatevers going on with modmad)
i like b & c# idk they sound desperate and broken and i like it

sleepy...

Diary #15 + 16

 feeling well rested no more migraine. my pokeball is lost idk where exactly it is. fell into social media, but honestly? object heads & tpoh art is absolutely worth it. reached out to my counsellor, hopefully they can help. fingers crossed.
a flip really was switched like 5 days ago huh?
how is my boundaries both rigid and porous???? also how the fuck do you do anything healthily- like boundaries and shit???
went places today. dad called mom & it heightened the hell out of my anxiety. traffic was traffic. we got lost, found a route to spirit, aaand waited 20 minutes so my mom could get off her little game of thrones game
im thinking ill do a specific steampunk dress. going through a gender crisis because i want to define who i am away from codependency, so i might as well see if effeminate is more my taste. like not mainstream effeminate- i was never really a mainstream person- but like goth or emo or scenecore or steampunk or egirl or i could also try dresses idc. ok i guess egirl is more mainstream & i probably wont find clothes in my size but yknow..
stayed up too long & very tired. got a new friend on simplyplural- likely a bad idea but yknow whatever. allergies r bad- honestly i probably have a chocolate/nut allergy but its so addictive.. 

-------16
been ruminating on how abusive great grandfather was to my grandma. im trying to break out of that, if she starts talking about her abuse again, im going to lay down a boundary. she needs to take it up to someone around her age, a support group or a therapist. not me, not my mom. currently trying out an anxiety book & listening to new breakcore. also had a bit of a nightmare before i woke up, im uneasy about living here, in this house, and in florida. im trying not to give in and get chocolate milk but the taste & dopamine is so seductive when i have so much cortisol. -a-anyways ive heard before that venting about goals makes you not want to do it because it gives you dopamime before its finished or something along those lines. and im thinking about like- what if i tried to do that but with whatever my anxiety is forcing me to ruminate about?? or i guess distracting myself like this IS working compared to cheap games/videos. the neighbors house is being worked on and i just heard a loud noise- i hope nothing happened
i need to turn on the lizard's heat lights tonight. when i get up next.
trying to consciously consume content (i should be making content instead but yknow)
ive been awake for 12 hours and what the hell have i been doing. made brownies sure, but all i did was watch tv, watch youtube, play yt games and scroll tumblr. im on the last fucking week of school and im very behind where i want to be. why??? why does this keep happening???? why am i so blind to time????? how do i get out of this??
..ive been tired the last four hours. im going to sleep. i hope i get enough energy to actually do my homework tomorrow & i hope i create the discipline to write my essay.