diary #11

 SEEMS to be minimal damage, but i only looked at the outside cameras. im thinking about casing the house later today & dragging someone with me.
my bpm seems to be a bit confused today. or at least i with it. fell into gaming habit early today but im hoping for recovery. after i do my essay, ill see about playing this pressure game on roblox.
i feel like im burning up. probably just allergies but yknow my anxieties gotta make me worry.
ive been realising things ive already known about myself/my surroundings but repressed. i guess it is fitting that i have my old friends again willing to be in contact with me. i hate being a bird in a cage.
...i guess i do age regress. not in the romanticized or sexualized fashion, but in a legit disabling way. i feel like an injured feral dog huddling in the corner. i dont know who i am in those moments. and it hurts so badly to disassociate in that way.
once in a lifetime gives me great nostalgia for the early-ish web.
my emotions are particularly unstable today. i cant live like this, but im not sure another way of living anymore. im trapped but im picking at the hinges ignoring the lock.
one thin branch snapped off & theres a bit of a mess but its not that bad.

diary #12

 nothing doing. couldnt sleep since i was too excited to go outside. i, of course, did not go outside.
fell into gaming and social media habit hard. also made a kickass sketch & updated an ocs profile. also laid out what a story has been about.
also realized that what i wish my fashion aesthetic was... is just an egirl. i have very conflicted feelings about that. also gothic, emo & scenecore seem really cool to me. i dont even use tiktok so i cant blame the brainrot. i think im just getting bored of random tshirt with random bottoms.
wasabicon was postponed to a month later less than 24 hrs before, no refund, and i learned about what they did in portland. i dont want to support ppl like this so im gonna see if i can get my mom to wait for other cons.
ive only heard paraphrased snippets but i think audre lorde's idea of self care hits me harder than any of the commercialized versions of it. like i know its important but it never hit quite right. its an act of not only self preservation- but a radical act of care for the collective. you tend to yourself first so you can actually rise to the occasion when youre needed to, alongside everyone else. <- a paraphrase of a paraphrase.
i want to just... delete all of my tabs, my bookmarks, my watch later, & the rest of my digital clutter. this hurts man. i dont feel this way with my soundcloud clutter but everywhere else i do. i think eventually ill cancel yt red & sub to soundcloud instead